Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
monday