Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
You Might Also Like
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
mathematically impossible
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right