It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
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Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.