I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?