I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
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I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
How I’d get arrested…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.