i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Do one person every day that scares you.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Not helping
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard