A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Wait a minute…
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
The internet is magic sometimes.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula