you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
cat vs inanimate object
only 11 steps left
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.