KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul