Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
…żyje?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Called it
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.