Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
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I can’t stop laughing at this
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Love is in the air fryer.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.