Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*exercises sarcastically*
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!