I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Every house has this drawer
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms