No. He’s not coming out to play
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go