My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
August 8
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
dutch so unserious
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.