I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
yeah no that’s fair
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…