(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
You Might Also Like
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.