I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
did it work
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.