“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo