The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
dads on road-trips be like
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos