Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
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Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL