“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
79.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Never ghost your hitman.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place