I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.