When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…