[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.