Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I triple waxed for this?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
What the hell happened here.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
New Tinder profile.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I love the National Park Service.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?