Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
can’t wait til they legalize outside
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*