The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
You Might Also Like
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
much to think about
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”