Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
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I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.