Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
i really liked this one
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB