Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.