Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.