Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.