Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Fries, not lies.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?