The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena