I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
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Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.