I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?