I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
My typo game is string.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: