Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
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*serious situation*
My brain:
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …