“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
those birds must be on payroll
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.