I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.