Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
*serious situation*
My brain: