The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…