11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Safety first
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
How does one answer this?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I forgot how to panic. Help
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually