If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
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My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
What
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
For cardio I live beyond my means.