Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal