I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Breaking news:
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
twitter users today:
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
The booster protects against what, now?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.