Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Every haunted house movie:
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her