You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
You Might Also Like
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Air pods looking like an angry frog
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.