She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
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my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*